It's Graverobber Tirade Friday!

Graverobber has been a regular PCH Tirade™ machine in recent weeks, and we thought it would be convenient for all PCHT™ aficionados to see his greatest hits all together in one convenient location. That way you can approach the prospect of your personal Hell Project with the knowledge that you might end up much like one of the victims in Graverobber's vivid (yet no doubt accurate) imagination.





Aston Martin DB5 vs Jensen FF

Jensen FF. The Aston, even in this condition the Aston is worth some scratch. There were only 1,021 DB5s ever produced, and today they can go for six figures. As a wise man once said: "Thars gold in them thar hills!" so you might be able to even eke out a profit, but probably not. You would earn the respect of other Aston owners and auto enthusiasts for being a respectful steward of the car, and saving it from ruination.
So, the Jensen FF. FF, Ferguson Formula. First all-wheel-drive production car. Gotta' be worth something right? And this one seems pretty intact, the fact that it is being consigned by an expert on the brand is a good sign, isn't it? Jeepers, you should just face the fact now that buying this car is a one-way trip to the poor house. And you ain't gonna be getting there in the Jensen.

There's now way in hell that this car is ever going to be valued at more than what you'd have to put into it just to avoid having Nelson Muntz wannabes point at you and shout "Ha-ha."

You'd go through your vacation fund, pissing off the rest of your family who really did want to go see that civil war reenactment, and it wouldn't be done. You'd blow through your oldest kid's college fund and he'd just stare at you, all puffy haired, and zit-faced and cry. Still, it wouldn't be done.

You'd cash in those bonds that your aunt Eunice gave you for being such a good boy on your birthdays all those years ago, and it still wouldn't be done.

Your wife would start feeding the family generic hamburger helper without cheese, substituting plain-wrap cat food without telling anyone, and still the shop would call every week and ask for another check.

When you finally run out of money, and get banned from eBay for trying to sell a kidney, you tell them that they'll have to stop working on it. You'd then get a bill for the storage.

Pulling out your hair, you decide to sell the thing, but your so far in debt with the shop that they won't let any prospective buyers in to see the car. You offer it to them and the owner's eyes get really big and he says "thanks, but I already have an ulcer."

At your wits end, and soon to be evicted from your house, you concoct a plan to burn down the shop, and the car within. The insurance money will cover your debt with the shop owner, and you can move to a different state, change your name and start anew.

The plan goes off without a hitch except that you find out that the shop has moved the Jensen out into the yard to make room for cars not owned by deadbeats, and it is the only thing left standing. You troubles compound when the source of the fire- a gas can with your name and address on it (damn your wife and her dymo labeler!) is discovered.

You are arrested two days later, hiding on skid row, having attempted to mask your identity by wearing one of your wife's dresses and a wig you stole from Kmart.

The trial is quick, and your public defender inept, but eventually you are relaxing in the county lockup, enjoying the promise of 5 years of three squares a day and free clothes. It's not too bad, and you even are allowed mail every week.

Everything looks like it's finally turning around for your until one day you get a letter from the shop owner- it's a bill for two years of yard storage for the Jensen. And you start thinking you may still have some gold fillings left in your back molars...

OPEN HERO WOOD TURNS PRO

Chris Wood, the towering 20-year-old amateur from Bristol who finished a brilliant joint fifth at The Open eight days ago, has turned professional.

Wood has signed for the International Sports Management group and becomes a stablemate of Ernie Els, Lee Westwood, Darren Clarke, Paul McGinley and David Howell - and also last year's Open silver medal winner Rory McIlroy.

After taking a week to consider his future, the 6ft 5in Wood said: "Royal Birkdale was the best week of my life and now I am looking forward to an equally exciting and successful future in the professional ranks.

"If I was going to play amateur golf for another year, I'm not sure that at the end of it I would be in a better position than I am now.

"I played with Darren Clarke yesterday and I've spoken to another two professionals and they've all said that I'll be a better player after a year on the tour."

Wood has already received an invitation to the Quinn Insurance British Masters at The Belfry on September 25-28. His management company are the promoters of that event.

McIlroy made his professional debut there last season and a week later came third in the Dunhill Links Championship at St Andrews.

Wood is allowed seven sponsor's invites and if he earns around ฃ150,000 from them, he will avoid November's European Tour qualifying school.

"We are thrilled and delighted that Chris has chosen to join ISM when he had several options," said managing director Andrew Chandler.

"He is an extremely talented and likeable young man and proved at The Open that he can perform at the highest level."

Wood partnered Ian Poulter in the final round of The Open and at the start of the back nine was only two off the lead.

Although he slipped back into a tie for fifth, seven strokes behind Padraig Harrington, his performance was easily the best by an amateur in any major since Justin Rose's fourth-place finish on the same course 10 years ago.

Travel advice: Driving abroad

Keep an eye on the road - and your car insurance, says travel expert Sophie Butler.

If you plan to drive your own car on holiday this summer, it’s important to know where things can go wrong. I recently heard from two readers who came a cropper on a long motoring trip in Europe. Because they were touring and only wanted to stay one or two nights in each place, they knew that there would be times when their luggage would be left in the boot.

Aware that some insurance policies won’t cover unattended luggage in cars – even if the boot is locked and the bags are out of view – they were anxious to make sure they would be properly compensated in the event of a break-in. So they talked through their requirements carefully with their insurer before they set off.

Unfortunately, their fears were confirmed and, despite leaving their car locked, alarmed and parked in a residential area, it was broken into in Sicily. The window was smashed and some of their personal belongings were stolen. They contacted the police to obtain a theft report so they could make a claim once they got home.

“We firmly believed we were fully covered on our insurance,” they said. However, this turned out not to be the case. The insurer rejected the claim on two counts: first, because their vehicle was UK-registered and therefore “a target for thieves”; and second, because Sicily is – according to the insurer – one of the poorest places in the world, making cars there particularly vulnerable to theft.

But the readers decided to pursue their claim because nobody from the company had pointed out these exemptions when they bought the insurance. After they threatened to take the case to the Small Claims Court, their insurer eventually agreed to settle the claim.

Good news for these readers, but it could have turned out differently had the insurer decided to dig its heels in. So what other potential pitfalls should you be aware of before you take your car abroad?

To avoid the sort of problem these readers encountered, it’s worth asking your travel insurer whether there are any factors that may disqualify you for cover in the specific countries you are planning to visit. Make a note of whom you speak to and what they advise. If there is any aspect of the cover that is particularly important to you, or needs clarifying, put it in writing.

You should also tell both your travel insurer and your car insurer of your travel dates. Note that some ask for at least two weeks’, or even a month’s notice of departure.

British motor insurance policies are obliged by law to provide third-party cover in all EU countries, but unless you’ve made special arrangements with your insurer, you’re unlikely to have full comprehensive cover, even if you have it at home. Most insurers also provide a European “accident statement” form, which might come in useful for noting on-the-spot details if you have an accident involving another motorist.

Third-party cover won’t cover damage or loss of your car or the cost of getting it home, so you’ll also need separate breakdown cover. This should include roadside assistance, emergency repairs, car hire, the cost of returning your car to Britain and emergency accommodation. Also bear in mind that most insurers will only cover you for a limited amount of time. If you are away for a few weeks, you may need to request an extension to cover the duration of your trip.

Driving abroad: a checklist

Take your driving licence, insurance certificate and vehicle registration document.
Plan your route in advance. There are good online route-finders which are free to use and can save the bother of poring over maps. Visit www.greenflag.co.uk/routeplanning.
Service your car and do the essential checks on oil, tyres, petrol, battery and water (these are the most common causes of breakdown).
Buy headlamp deflector strips and a warning triangle (many countries make this a legal requirement).
Check you have a spare wheel and a jack, first-aid kit, jump leads, a torch, fuse kits, reflective jacket and spare car light bulbs (these are compulsory in some European countries).
Blood-alcohol limits vary and are not always the same as in Britain (typically around 50mg or a single glass of wine on the Continent, compared with 80mg at home). In some countries the limit is 20mg.
Most European Union countries allow higher maximum speeds than Britain but limits are lowered during wet weather.
Readers' queries

PQ, Kent, writes
What are your tips for finding the best-value short ferry crossings this summer? Have I left it too late to find a bargain?

Sophie Butler replies
Fares rise as the ferries fill, so the earlier you book the better. You can find lower prices by booking midweek on late-night or early-morning crossings. Even if you book an hour or two either side of the peak times it can be far cheaper. Compare prices on websites such as www.ferrysavers.com and www.aferry.co.uk.

TO, by email, writes
My friend thinks there’s a hotel dedicated to puddings in the UK.

Sophie Butler replies
She may mean Three Ways House Hotel in Gloucestershire (01386 438429; www.puddingclub.com; from £135), which is the Pudding Club’s headquarters and a good place to sample a range of classic puddings.

KL, by email, writes
Inspired by a recent visit to Vindolanda near Hadrian’s Wall, I’d like to try an archaeological holiday abroad. Can you suggest any operators that organise such trips?

Sophie Butler replies
Try Andante Travels (01722 713800; www.andantetravels.co.uk) or Martin Randall Travel (020 8742 3355; www.martinrandall.com). Digs worldwide are listed at www.archaeology.co.uk.